Too proud
by GottaLoveZimmy
Summary: slight SBJP. Sirius's thoughts about the man he loves and his new woman who managed to changed their lives. The song used at the beginning is 'Jolene' by White Stripes. It's a cover, I'm quite sure.


_White Stripes – Jolene_

_Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene  
I'm begging of you, please don't take my man  
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene  
Please don't take him even though you can_

_Your beauty is beyond compare  
With flaming locks of auburn hair  
With ivory skin  
And eyes of emerald green_

_Your smile is like a breath of spring  
Your voice is soft like summer rain  
I cannot compete with you, Jolene_

_he talks about you in his sleep  
And there is nothing I can do to keep  
From crying when he calls your name, Jolene_

_Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene  
I'm begging of you please don't take my man  
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene  
Please don't take him even though you can_

_Well I can easily understand  
How you can easily take my man  
But you don't know what he means to me, Jolene_

_Well you could have your choice of men  
But I could never love again  
He's the only one for me, Jolene_

_And I had to have this talk with you  
My happiness depends on you  
And whatever you decide to do, Jolene_

_Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene  
I'm begging of you please don't take my man  
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene  
Please don't take him even though you can_

I look at his sleeping figure. He usually doesn't pull the bed curtains back, lucky me. James lets me stare at him, he knows I'm doing it. The only time when I look away is when my James calls your name in his sleep. I fall asleep on a wet pillow.

He seems to be forgetting all the times we spent together. All of our winters and summers, autumns and springs. Always together… till you appeared. Things have changed because of you. You'll never realize that you managed to damage the life of Sirius Black.

You used to loathe James Potter. What's changed? What was the most important thing that escape my attention? What did I overlook?

Sometimes, I think you've done it to hurt me. Using one of us to harm another because you hated both of us. One can come up with many theories when one's determined, frustrated and every day more lonely.

I have to admit that you're beautiful. You will stay pretty for some time, but it will change. Jim doesn't love you, he lusts over you. And no matter what teenagers usually say, lust doesn't mean love. He used to say that I'm beautiful, too but what am I compared to your emerald eyes? I cannot compete with you. You definitely know how to hurt someone without looking guilty in the eyes of others. Smart girl, you are.

If only I wasn't so proud. Then, I could talk to you, even, beg you to leave my man alone. I'd tell you I never could fall in love with anyone else but him, your boyfriend. He's just one of the many for you.

Oh, I think I sobbed too loudly. James woke up. Sometimes I wonder why it's not me who lately should be called Snivellus. Such an appropriate nickname to me these days.

"Hey, what's wrong, Siri?" he says in a sleepy voice, coming closer to my bed. How I'd love to tell him directly what's wrong.

"Oh, it's 'kay, Jim. Just thinking 'bout the old good times, y'know.'" That's all I could say then. All I could ever confess, actually.

"Right. There's only one week left before graduation. That kind of scares me. All this growing up stuff." When we sit on my bed it feels like the pranksters – James and Sirius are back, like there's no graduating soon, just like it's not one of our last nights together. It didn't bring any relief to me, of course, but it tells me that Jimmy didn't forget about the past.

"I know what you mean… We're supposed to change now, don't we?"

"People expect we will, Padfoot."

"I'll miss Hogwarts. I'll miss Marauders. I'll miss you, James Potter."

"This is what adult life means, you need to accept what the future's gonna offer you. " He tries to explain it to me. James bites his lower lip. Looks like it's hard for him, too. He decides to continue. "I had to choose Lily, Sirius. She's pregnant. I can't… I can't leave her now, understand it, Paddy, please." Now, I'm shocked. He looks at me with his pleading eyes and I give up. Tears are streaming down my face again. The salty taste in my mouth makes me even more nervous because I'm not supposed to snivel now.

"James…" I manage to whisper before he embraces me tightly.

"Say no more, you twit." He kisses my forehead and let my head rest on his shoulder. "Everything will work out, it has to."

Those simple words are soothing to my ears but not enough, it's never enough. I would beg you If only I wasn't so proud, Lily.


End file.
